Mothering is hard enough. Why would we heap mommy-shame on top of it? But it happens. A lot.
Other people can make me feel like a terrible person. I can be having a great day, till someone looks at me with horrified disgust as if to say “Your kids did that?” or “You let your kids act like that?”
Shame. That’s what it is.
The feelings of shame and guilt turn into anger towards myself, my kids and then I say and do hurtful things.
It’s hard for me to forget how I’ve felt when I’ve been mommy-shamed. Disbelief. Hurt. Guilt. Shame. Anger.
Once while shopping at Costco, 3 of my littles were kicking the cardboard on a crate. I was arbitrating an argument between the older siblings so it took a minute before I was able to get to the other kids. A woman was standing nearby looking at me with contempt. Her eyes said: “Don’t you see what your kids are doing? Why aren’t you making them stop?”
In my head I say: “Yes, I know they are kicking a cardboard crate; yes, I am on my way to take care of it.”
I felt like a terrible person right then.
One summer my eldest son built a straw stack behind the barn, doused it with gasoline and attempted to light it. The straw stack wasn’t too large, thank God, so no damage was done. However, a neighbor man came charging up to the front door and asked “Do you know where your kids are and what they’re doing? They are building fires and using gasoline! You better get out there because I don’t want no barns burned down!” He was angry and agitated and said many more things about the kids playing with fire and the parents who don’t watch their kids.
He left, I performed disciplinary action on the kids, then went to my room and cried and cried.
I felt like a horrible person. I was livid that my old-enough-to-know-better son was playing with fire, but the underlying current was shame. I was embarrassed, and the man’s anger toward me hurt.
We were one Sunday visiting a friend. There was a pair of peafowl on the farm. My son went out to see the farm, spotted the peacock and desired some feathers for his room. He chased the peacock, the farm dog got excited and gave chase as well. The dog inflicted such injury to the peacock that the peacock legged off to the woods and later died. The farm lady is deeply aggrieved.
Do I wish it wouldn’t have happened? Of course!
Am I sorry? Very much so!
The shame was a little more indirect, but it was there, nonetheless. An undercurrent of horror and disbelief at what my son had instigated.
I feel the shame. The accusation: “Your child is a bad child. Why did you not monitor him better?” I turn my head, squeeze my eyes shut and will the tears away. But they leak through.
I feel like a terrible person.
At a church function, a snack table had been set up. My 2-year-old was helping herself to the food. Another mommy yells from the table “Do you know that your little girl is here touching all the food and are you OK with that?” It wasn’t her words that bothered me, it was the attitude in which she said it. No, it irritated me, to be honest. I was mad. “Really? As if I always have to have all my kids in line, doing exactly what they should be doing? Good grief!”
The same feelings: Disbelief. Embarrassment. Shame.
I refuse to be the type of parent that always hovers near her kids, making sure they don’t do anything wrong so I don’t get embarrassed or talked about.
“Did you hear what so-and-so’s kids did? Absolutely scandalous!”
“Look at the tantrum that child is throwing; she must not know how to train her kid right.” And on and on.
Shame. That’s what it is. We heap shame on other parents and their kids.
I am also a parent who refuses to say that mommy-shaming doesn’t affect me. We all face it. It will always hurt. I might cry sometimes.
But, I am a parent who refuses to be defined by the shame others might direct toward me, toward my kids. This is not who we are. This is not who I am.
My children are exactly that: children. Little people that I am attempting to train in the way of Grace and Kindness. They will make mistakes. They will embarrass me. Am I strong enough to be OK with that?
Don’t allow your children to feel your shame or embarrassment. That is something they won’t be able to forget or live above. Give disciplinary action in love when necessary, but never blame them for your feelings of shame, your guilt, your embarrassment. They don’t need this in their lives. They are kids, learning how to navigate the world.
Show them how to be people of Grace and Kindness, by extending grace and kindness to them.
How do I overcome the feelings of mommy-shame?
There is this group of people in the Bible that Jesus often condemned. The Pharisees.
The Pharisees only cared about what other people thought of them. They wanted to look good, to be well-thought of.
Sound familiar? It’s a human desire. We all want others to think well of us. To think well of our kids.
You’ve gotta let that go sister! Be ok with your kids being kids.
Be ok with their mistakes.
Be ok with working through their big emotions.
You might be misunderstood and judged for the actions of your children sometimes; be ok with that too.
Be a mom who guides her children with grace and kindness.
Be a woman who exemplifies grace and kindness toward people who mommy-shame you.
Be that change you wish to see in the world.
What message do I want my kids to hear again and again?
Grace. Kindness.
Let us exemplify grace and kindness for our children. Have nothing to do with mommy-shaming.
Parenting is hard. Let’s not make it harder.