If you wish to influence people, never speak ill of another. Even if what you say is true.
When we speak ill of someone, we forfeit the right to speak change into them. We have lowered ourselves to the petty, destructive realm of gossip.
Some time past, there was this young man who worked for my husband for 6 months. The lad is a self-seeking, insecure individual. He comes into the work space with a small degree of authority and an advanced degree in verbosity. He talked a lot and worked little. His insecurity caused him to say one thing to one person, then deny the very talk with another. He dealt in an underhand manner with those who tried to give direction. He went to great lengths to make himself look good, save face.
During this time, I had an opportunity to speak to this young man, to whit I did with gusto. Being the conversationalist that I am, I asked questions and invited him to talk about himself: hobbies and things that he enjoys doing. He mentioned that he had run a Tough Mudder once. We discuss Obstacle Course Racing and I allude to the fact that I admire people who do hard things. He lights up and talks with great passion about this particular accomplishment and the difficulties he faced doing it.
Fast forward 2 months. This same young man makes the mistake of serious racial discrimination on the shop floor. It escalates quickly in that he doesn’t stop talking but rather says many untrue and hurtful things.
My husband did not hold complete jurisdiction over the young man and was actually out of town when this took place. As it happened, the boy was simply transferred to another department.
A few weeks went by; Husband and I happened to strike up conversation with another couple who knew this young man. Our friend asked what we thought of this young man. Husband hesitates, wanting to be kind in his assessment. I jump right in and spit out a few sentences of exactly what I thought. I state his proficiency in talking and lack of motivation in work. I don’t say much, “Just the simple truth” I rationalize.
Another few months down the road, there is opportunity to greet this same young man. However, he avoids us, passes by without acknowledgement. Granted, he may only be remembering his erroneous behavior when working under my husband. But I think it was more than that. Those hasty, ill spoken words that I spouted about him were probably spoken into his ears. He resents me and my judgement of his character.
Our words have a way of doing that: Being relayed to the very person we speak ill of.
“Speak no ill of another.” state both James and Titus in the NT. Ephesians 4:29b: “Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be uplifting to those who hear them.”
Honest praise, graciously given, opens the door for influence.
Ill-tempered words, spoken even in truth, forfeit that chance to influence.
“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
Dorothy Nevill
You want to be a person who influences others? Keep your tongue in check. Bite back the words that would cast a shadow on another person’s character.
Practice this rule and your reputation of trust-worthiness and grace will flourish.
Practice this rule and you will become a person who is able to positively influence others.