I reach a point of desperation in parenting, in which I see my inadequacies and short-comings so glaringly evident. I begin a 3-day food fast. Each day I commit to prayer with Jesus for 30 minutes at morning, noon and night. The children are most accommodating and eager to assist. I explain what I am doing and the purpose thereof. My eldest son graciously prays for me at the dinner table “And God, please change mom’s heart.”
My prayer sessions the first day are filled with desperation and promises from God. Joel 2
Day 2 and 3, there is a lot of frustration and anger. I can hear the kids fighting and fooling around downstairs while I am up in my room weeping, blubbering that “God I simply can’t do this. It is so confounded hard. Is it supposed to be this hard?”
In frustration at myself, I furiously swipe my tears away and apologize to God. “I’m sorry I’m saying these things, I’m sorry I’m so angry right now. I have no right to be angry because I know that there are millions of people who have it so much worse than I do.”
Immediately the Father rebukes my heart. “That does not invalidate your feelings, child. Just because there are others in more difficult and dire circumstances than you, does not mean that your emotions and feelings are invalid. I created you with feelings. Myriads of feelings and emotions. Own them. Process them.
Don’t try to stuff what you’re feeling. Don’t shove it aside. Own your feelings, your emotions, and process them well. Process aloud to me, with your husband or with a mature friend. Then turn them all over to me and let me carry them.”
Startled, I ask “Really? So that’s how it is? For years I’ve invalidated specific emotions because I thought they were selfish and un-Christian. But you’re telling me to own those feelings and process them well? Yes Jesus!”
I feel such a sense of release. Relief that it’s OK to feel emotions, to feel frustration and anger. The Father has made human-kind as creatures of emotion. We are to learn how to process these emotions well and turn them over to Jesus. Isn’t this incredible? It brings such a sense of peace to my heart.
The Father gives me a beautiful picture in this:
A girl is standing with her shoulders hunched over, her head bowed, hands covering her face. She is weeping. Sobbing. Tears running through her fingers.
This girl is me.
Her back is turned, she’s facing away from the Father who has an arm tentatively reaching out toward her. He gently touches her shoulder. She jerks away and takes a step to the side. She’s still crying.
The Father waits a moment and tries again. He touches her shoulder and crawls his fingers across her back. She doesn’t pull away. He takes a step forward and slowly, lovingly tugs her around, pulling her into his embrace. She curls up inside his arms, still quietly weeping. In time, her tears are spent and her arms reciprocate the embrace.
This is me and my Father.
So often, I’ve resisted his embrace, thinking that I should be stronger than this, that I shouldn’t be feeling these un-godly emotions of anger and un-thankfulness. I didn’t know how to process these emotions well. I stuffed them. Swiped my tears away on my own and walked off. I wouldn’t allow the Father to hold me. I wouldn’t give my feelings to him because it is embarrassing to admit one’s anger and sins, is it not?
Who are you to me Jesus?
You are my Abba Father. Daddy. You hold me close. You wipe my tears. You take my confusion, anger and frustration; in exchange you give me love, freedom and joy.
May I always be quick to run to You when I need to process my feelings. I know now, that I will always find rest and validation in You.
Your yoke is easy. Your burden is light.
“Come unto me all you are weary and heavy laden. I will give you rest! Take my yoke upon you, learn of me. For I am meek and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
This is who you are Jesus.
This is how you parent.
This is also what I must model in parenting my children.
The picture the Father gave you is so beautiful!