My kids lie.
Sometimes quite a lot.
Well, I should say that I have one child in particular that spouts off untruths daily. Like it’s a second language. She’ll be caught in the middle of sneaking sugar or chocolate chips and deny that she was eating any. Even when her mouth is smeared with chocolate, it’s still “Nope mom, I wasn’t eating anything.”
I’ve tried so many things to bring about an adherence to the truth in my kids. For the most part, various creative methods have brought about desirable results excepting in this, my one child.
I have tugged my hair, screamed inside, rolled my eyes and sighed deeply many times in trying to teach this one child how to simply speak the truth. Nothing has worked for her. I actually mean “Nothing.”
Recently, I have learned of the correlation that falsehoods have with ADHD/ADD kids. (This particular child of mine is ADHD/ADD)
Most times now, I just let it slide. She tells an untruth and doesn’t own up to her actions, I’ll say “No, this is what actually happened” and let it go.
This morning as I was driving the 2 hours to Philadelphia for Emily’s Pre-op consultation, I listened to the Bible like I usually do during road time. I’m currently going through Genesis.
I come across the story of Abraham inviting 3 strangers to take rest and refreshment at his tent in chapter 18. In the course of events, the Lord asks Abraham:
“Where is your wife Sarah?”
“She is in the tent.” replies Abraham.
“Well, about this time next year” declares the Lord, “Sarah your wife will have a son.”
I imagine Sarah was hiding behind a flap of the tent, watching and listening to everything that was exchanged between her husband and the strangers. She hears this statement and is unable to suppress her incredulous snort of laughter.
The Lord asks Abraham: “Why did your wife laugh?”
“I didn’t laugh!” Sarah is quick to say.
“You did laugh.” says the Lord.
End of story.
The very next verse, the strangers leave, Abram mediates on the behalf of Lot and Sodom & Gomorrah. A year later Sarah gives birth to the promised baby boy. Ironically, he is named Isaac, which means ‘Laughter’.
As I listened to this story, I did a double take on the Lord’s response to Sarah’s lying. She lied. Blatantly. Said she didn’t laugh, but she had. And the Lord didn’t even call her out on it! Wow! Wait, God was lied to his face by Sarah and he didn’t even make her own it? Check that out!
Instead, he simply restated his first question and turned it into a statement of “Yes, you did laugh.” That’s it! No condemnation, no rebuke for Sarah in trying to back-peddle and deny what happened. Obviously, she was highly embarrassed. It seems the Lord picked up on that and didn’t press the issue of ‘owning the lie’.
He knew Sarah, her humanity, her need to save face. And He let it go.
Does this mean I condone lying? Of course not.
Does this mean I won’t call my kids out when caught in a lie? No.
Does this mean that I won’t initiate consequences for lying in my kids? Again, no.
Lying is wrong; there is no light when one walks in darkness. 1 John states that “Those who walk in darkness don’t know where they are going. They stumble and fall because they are unable to see!” This is the path that dishonesty and lying is like.
Jesus is Truth and I want my children to be people of the Truth.
To live in truth is to walk in light.
To live in truth is to have clarity and confidence in life.
May we always lift a standard of truth in our lives. May our kids learn what walking in truth looks like by watching us. Will they see me be honest about myself and not gloss over my weaknesses and areas of need? Will they see me apologize if I’ve exaggerated or misshaped the truth to someone else? Will they see me own my mistakes quickly and make it right?
So often I’ve given into this thing of ‘Absolutely no lying’ with the kids and it’s left me frustrated. Frustrated because my child continues to lie about so many things!
I see that I’m too hard on my kids sometimes. I make such a big deal about their wrongs instead of focusing on grace. Grace with these little people as they learn how to navigate the world of big people.
Then this morning I’m stunned to see that God Himself wasn’t hard on Sarah because she was caught in a lie. Instead, he acknowledged what Sarah said then responded with a statement of truth and left it at that. I bet that’s the last time Sarah lied outright! Imagine how chastened she must have felt.
Does God take lying seriously? Absolutely.
Look what happened to Ananias & Sapphira in Acts 5. They told a ‘half-lie’ and it cost them their lives.
God hates hypocrisy. He hates lying.
However, for me right now, I needed this example of how God handled someone who’d lied to Him. He countered with truth and left it be. Didn’t say anything else about it.
This is what my child needs right now. It’s what I need right now.
Stop trying to get my kids to admit they lied when they obviously did. Counter with truth and move on.
Sometimes I won’t know what the truth about a situation is; again, comment little and let be.
This concept of countering an untruth with truth is pretty awesome. I purpose to be a parent that speaks truth into a situation. When my children speak untruth about themselves, others or even a specific circumstance, I will respond with truth. Look at a few of these examples:
My child says: “This chore is too hard; it’ll take me forever to get it done!”
I say “No, the chore is not too hard and it’ll get done if you keep at it!”
One child says “You’re stupid” to a sibling. I say “No, he is not stupid. Please apologize, tell him he’s not stupid and tell him something that is true about him.” (“You are kind,” “You are a hard worker”, “You are fun to play with” etc)
In saying untruths about themselves, “I’m so dumb.” “I can never do anything right.” “I always do that.” and such like, we must cancel these untruths with truth about who our kids are and what they are becoming.
“You’re not dumb! God gave you an incredibly smart brain!”
“Yes, you make mistakes sometimes, but that’s how we learn! You do lots of things well and correctly!”
“No, you don’t always do that. You are a fast learner and you’ll improve if you keep trying!”
Honestly, it reflects on us as parents. Do I say and believe untruths about myself? If so, take those untruths and write them down. Then draw a line through each statement and write a truth countering each lie. Start speaking these truths to yourself.
Let us be people of Truth.
May we raise an army of kids who love the truth and walk in it.
May we give our kids grace as they navigate a world full of untruths.
And… don’t flip out when your kids lie. God doesn’t.