The beginning of this week the kids and I started a 25 Days of Christmas book for Bible time. After breakfast chores we gather at the table and read one chapter. We’ve never done this before and I want it to be something the kids look forward to.
I cook a pot of hot chocolate, we gather round and read our way through Day #2. The kids aren’t engaging well: a shouting match breaks out because child #3 looked at child #5 and she didn’t appreciate it. The other 3 launch into an under-the-table kicking war. We give pause to our reading, take time to exchange some apologies. Our reading continues and they again take to antagonizing one another. In exasperation, I snap at them “I’m trying to do something special for you guys and all you do is fight!” I even quote scripture: “’It’s like throwing pearls before swine!’ I do my best to make something special for you guys, you take it, trample all over it, then turn and attack the one who is caring for you.”
I take a moment to calm my heart and ask myself “Why am I frustrated? I think I just projected shame, blame and guilt on my kids.”
My turn to apologize. I recognize how quickly my frustration gives rise to guilting my children. I turn on them in an attitude of blame, projecting shame.
Shame has no place in the life of a believer. Neither does condemnation or blame.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free.
Romans 8:1-2a
Healed mama is healed parenting. Free from shame mama is free from shame parenting.
To get there, I have to recognize my triggers. Identify the areas of personal shame and/or guilt, leave them at the cross and renew my mind with the truth of God’s word.
For many years I held unrealistic expectations for my children. They weren’t respectful enough, fought too often, or were lazy and disruptive. If my kids didn’t live up to my standards, I would blame myself for not training them correctly and then try with even greater zeal to bring about godliness in them. You already know the outcome of such parenting: frustrated kids, exasperated parents. No good thing comes from wielding shame as a correcting tool.
I have since purposed to avoid shame, blame or guilt in parenting. If a child is wrong, address the misdeed and carry on. Don’t shower them with shame. Too often I use an inordinate amount of words in parenting. May we all recognize and practice the truth of this proverb:
A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.
Proverbs 17:27
Parent with few words.
Live free of shame, blame and guilt.
Do not project shame in any way, on yourself or your kids.
Save the hot chocolate for a time when you’re not trying to have bible time. =)