I am learning to be a listener.
I’ve always been one to spout advice, opinion and impressions at the drop of a hat. Even before the hat has dropped, I’ll verbalize my thoughts and advice.
There is something fascinating about watching a conversation; it is easy to spot a good listener – they always listen with their eyes and posture. They ask genuine, insightful questions.
Following are some thoughts and words of wisdom on good listening that I’ve picked up from various sources in my journey of practicing the art of listening.
“She listened to him all night and he found her fascinating.”
“A good orator must first be a good listener.”
“What you say isn’t nearly as important as what the other person hears and understands.”
I’ve made it a point to completely skip the surface talk and go right into asking a good question. Honestly, it’s much more fun and so insightful! “What happened this past week that made you really happy? What’s something you’ve learned recently? Who in your life is a positive influence and why?”
Do you see how questions like these get people to pause, think a little deeper than the typical “How was your day?” and you can actually have a genuine conversation? Questions like these can lead to so much more, opening the way for authentic exchange and genuine friendships.
If you’re one who comes up short where good questions are involved, just google ‘conversation starters’ and start using them!
After a conversation has been started, keep these 3 questions in the forefront of your mind:
“What is he/she saying?”
“What is he/she not saying?”
“Are they asking for advice or do they just need a listening ear?”
Note to self: Do not, I repeat, do not give advice unless it’s asked for.
A good listener:
– Listens slowly to what’s being said (did you know that’s a thing?)
– Doesn’t jump ahead
– Does not interrupt or finish sentences
– Isn’t quick to judge
– Doesn’t sit there thinking about a reply
– Focuses directly on what’s being said
– Listens to more than what’s being said
– Extracts the maximum amount of information by what’s being said and why something is expressed in a particular way
We fail to be interested; we only wish to be interesting.
Skillful listening is more important than skillful talking.
Read that last one again.
While it is important to speak skillfully, we often underestimate the power and influence of a skillful listener.
Proverbs 1:5a
Let the wise hear and increase in learning.
James 1:19a
Know this: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak.
A good listener looks people in the eye and gives undivided attention to the one speaking.
You can probably recall a time when you were talking with someone and they continually averted their eyes or looked beyond you while you spoke. How did that make you feel?
While distractions may at times come up, be gracious enough to verbally put your conversation on hold until the distraction is taken care of. People will judge you based on how valuable you made them feel.
“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.” -Dean Jackson
“Listen. People start to heal the moment they feel heard.” -Cheryl Richardson
“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” -Doug Larson
The quieter one becomes, the more he can hear.
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” -Dalai Lama