Recently I saw a quote on Instagram that cast my mind back to this entry I’d written two years ago. While I don’t recall the quote exactly, the point was: ‘Parents are responsible for their own actions and words. Kids must also be made to realize that their own actions and words affect those around them.’
2019: The struggle is real. There are times when we walk through a season of plodding. The future is uncertain, the present is difficult.
Parenting has its moments and seasons of difficult.
Like now, for me.
My 10-year-old son is growing into more of his own opinions and personality. I welcome this and look forward to watching him mature into a young man of purpose and integrity. However, I do not accept the constant disrespect he heaps upon me.
I represent all that he hates right now: law, order, routine, chores and schoolwork. This stuff is non-negotiable and he bucks against it often.
Yesterday after a morning of constant disrespect and disregard for my orders, I’ve had enough. I grab the rod and deliver a few sound swats to his backside. He somehow got his hand back there and I accidentally hit it. Now he’s mad and yelling. He is angry because the discipline was over a [seemingly] inconsequential action of his.
I send him to his room.
The rest of us continue on with school and the morning routine. The house is finally quiet and peaceful.
Thirty minutes later I meet with him in his room. I explain my feelings to him with an allegory.
“If you have a plank resting on two posts and you start placing rocks on that plank, the plank can only hold so much weight before it splinters and breaks. You place rock after rock on that plank, some big, some small. It’s almost ready to break, then you add just one small rock on the very top and the whole thing comes crashing down.
Even though it was that last little rock that caused the board to break, it was all the weight of the previous rocks that caused the actual break. Hence, ‘The straw that broke the camel’s back.'”
[This idiom describes the seemingly minor or routine action that causes an unpredictably large and sudden reaction, because of the cumulative effect of small actions. – Wikipedia]
“Son, even though I am your mom, I have feelings too. Your constant anger and disrespect toward me actually hurt! And when you continue to pile on angry words and disobey when I ask you to do something, you are putting more and more rocks on that plank! You keep doing that and mamma’s gonna break down! I can only handle so much as your mom before it’s too much. It’s not just the size of the rocks that will break the plank, but the quantity.”
I see understanding creep across his face.
I apologize for hurting his hand. He asks for forgiveness for his angry words and disrespect. We hug, share tears and move on with the day.
Later in the day he asks “Mom, if there are rocks on the plank and I start being obedient and respectful to you, that means I’m taking rocks off, right?”
“Yes!”
The days continue to pass. My son is much quicker to apologize for a wrong and I see him working hard to keep those rocks off the plank.
Thank you Jesus for my son. Thank you for teaching me as I guide my kids.
As parents, we are to lead our children by example. Grace. Kindness and respect. We must model this for them in every circumstance. At the same time, our children also need to know that we have feelings and limits. They must understand that we feel the same kind of feelings they do: hurt, disappointment, frustration.
Let’s show our kids how to work through these feelings. It’s important to be honest and forthright with our kids about our own feelings sometimes.
Never blame your kids for your feelings though, because that is not their burden to carry. “It’s your fault I’m mad! You made me do/say that!”
However, let your child know that his actions and words do affect the people around him/her.
Be quick to ask for forgiveness if you have lashed out at your kids.
Be quick to accept their apologies when they ask. Show them how to forgive and move forward.
Model good behavior. At the same time, teach them the power of thoughts, words and actions that they project to others.
Parenting is sometimes hard. It is also the most rewarding thing in these moments of triumph when something has switched in your child’s understanding.
How do you impute ownership and understanding in your children?
I’d love feedback, because there is often much wisdom in the collective sharing of experiences!