This week I was fussing at my husband for something he did or didn’t do – I don’t recall exactly what, though I believe I was focused solely on myself. But as we took time to communicate, something became increasingly clear to me.
We hear that to have a successful relationship, both parties need to give 100%. (Forget the “110%” business; there is no such thing.)
It doesn’t work if each gives 50%. Though two 50%s make up a complete 100%, marriage doesn’t add up in the normal way. We need two individual wholes to make up a new whole. In marriage, one plus one equals a new one. Man + wife = a new entity. A new whole.
If we get hung up on this and start thinking that marriage is about one person’s happiness, dreams, plans or expectations, it’s a sure road to dysfunction and failure.
Marriage is not about just one person. That would be an oxymoron.
It’s not about him. It’s not about her.
It’s about both of us, together. We.
When we enter the covenant of marriage, we put off our ‘me-ness’, our singleness, and take on a new identity: the ‘we’.
We now make choices based on what is in the best interest of our new identity as ‘we’ instead of focusing solely on the best interest of a single individual.
Dysfunction is enabled when there is ‘me-ness’ in the relationship. When one spouse puts his or her needs/wants/goals/expectations before the wellbeing of the ‘we-ness’. All the above must be considered and filtered through the perspective of “What’s best for our relationship right now?”
In the ‘we’, you become a two-person system to help each other find the best way to thrive every day.
‘We-ness’ doesn’t mean sacrificing everything for the good of the relationship. However, it does mean you have to become good at:
– problem solving
– asking questions and listening
– conflict resolution
– flexibility
– honesty
Defend your relationship against dysfunction by maintaining a sense of ‘we’. As varied and unique as each individual is, so each marriage is unique and unlike any other.
Don’t compare. Cultivate that sense of ‘we’ and your marriage will succeed.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 NLT