Over the weekend some conversations sprouted between my husband and I on the subject of resentment. The issue: Husband is planning an out-of-state, week-long fishing trip with his dad and 5 brothers. I am thrilled that they’re finally doing it because it’s been talked about for over 2 years. Just the same, I make a snide comment that “I need to take a trip by myself…” He responds with “You’ve done 2 weekend trips with your girlfriends over the last 2 years and I haven’t gone anywhere!” I agree with a sigh. Then add “But we’re not keeping score, you see. So, it really doesn’t matter who goes where and when. And, I’m still planning to hike Machu Picchu next year for 2 weeks.”
I guess we are keeping score. Because even though it’s give and take for both of us, I am still hanging on to the resentment of “He never has to stay home and live with the kids for an entire week and still accomplish everything that I would if I were home. If I go on a long trip, he would get someone else to come watch the kids or farm them out to various relatives while I’m gone.” And that thought just vexes me.
I have learned over the past year to ask myself questions when I experience negative emotions. Resentment, in this case. After a moment, I ask Dave “Why do I feel this way? Where is this feeling of resentment coming from?”
Step one to change: Recognize. Why am I at this place? What brought me here? Recognize that there is a better way, and I need to change!
Check. We got step 1 down. Now on to the next step: Repent.
I dig around in my mind, ask questions and allow myself to walk the halls of memory. I understand how I have acquired this attitude of resentment toward my husband.
It has come about because of my twisted perspective on a woman’s place in marriage. I feel like an accessory. Like I’m just the wife who keeps the house and guides the children. He is out doing bigger, better things.
This has come through no fault of my husband. He has never projected or supported this view in our marriage. It’s just a wrong perspective, a flawed identity that I assumed. But I clung to it as a martyr: ‘I am better than my husband because I do the dirty work, the harder work. He needs to acknowledge my position as a holy martyr and value my sacrifice.’
Wow. That’s about as self-righteous as one can get!
This is where step 2 happens. Repent. In Greek, repentance is metanoia. Literally meaning: “to perceive afterwards”. ‘Meta’ (after, with) and the verb ‘noeo’ (to perceive, to think, the result of perceiving or observing)
To repent doesn’t necessarily mean sorrow, tears and asking for forgiveness. Rather, it means “understand the consequences” [of wrong thinking] in this case. Once we understand (repent) our erroneous thinking, we move right into the next phase:
Renew. Renew the mind. Put a new way of thinking into the mind. Replace old thought patterns with new thought patterns. This, is renewing one’s mind.
Don’t be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.
…Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt… Be renewed in the spirit of your minds and put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Romans 12:2a, Ephesians 4:23
The first step in change is to recognize where you’re at. If you don’t know where you are, you are unable to get where you wish to go. Recognize what it is that is holding you back.
Repent. Understand what it is that needs to change. Perceive where it is that you get off-track. Know the ‘why’ and what triggers a negative response/emotion.
Renew. Tear down old thought patterns and lay new tracks for thought processes. By nature, the brain takes the easiest, most familiar paths. The path of least resistance. The brain is a muscle, it must be retrained. It may take some time and great effort on your part to rewire your brain into thinking new thought patterns. But it must happen! As soon as you recognize your thoughts going down an old, familiar but unhealthy path, stop immediately and actually speak to your brain: “That way of thinking is the wrong way, Brain! Back up, let’s go down another path and get it right this time.” You do that often enough, long enough, and your brain will soon automatically choose the new path of thinking.
This, my friend, is renewing the mind.
‘Renew the mind daily’, the apostle Paul says. If you struggle with discontent, teach your brain to use new paths of thankfulness. Depression, discouragement, anger, lust, greed, resentment, bitterness, self-hatred – these all come from wrong thinking patterns.
Wrong thinking patterns that can be changed.
But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.
John 14:26
All in all, he goes on a trip this year, I’m planning one next year. I guess we do keep score. But we send each other out with joy and laughter while looking forward to many more years of travel both together and as individuals! It’s a wonderful life. =)